Life in my Wormhole

The Opthamologist and the Dentist

2010-06-01T22:11:00.003+05:30

One day I'll write more about this I promise... but today, I just have to say I once wrote this about an ophthalmologist. Well he has a brother who's a dentist. Who also has the same magic, the same effect on me.

So what the hell is their secret?

Bobby S.

2010-05-21T23:24:00.004+05:30

It's been a long time I've really cried my eyes out. But I'm close today. My heart is aching with the pain of it all. But I'm rationing the tears before they get too bad. There's no one I can message for support. All my friends are too far away to be of any help. Been a long time since I've been so alone. A stranger in a strange city.

I know everyone is supposed to have one or two things wrong with them... but I'm all wrong. I wish I was a simple uncomplicated soul, merrily skipping thru life with nary a worry. Or at the most worrying about what to wear to work or how to comb my hair.

Instead I'm me. And while I do love myself I wish I was easier for others to understand. Most days I'm happy I'm not part of the crowd, but on days like today I'd give a lot just to blend in. To fit in. For my life to chug along like everyone else's.

Why am I writing this here? Cos I haven't been writing here regularly so I know the chances of someone reading this are slight. So I can put out my feelings without worrying about giving out too much of myself.

Why does my nose run everytime I cry? I wish I could cry daintily...so people would feel bad and come running to make me feel better. As it is I am a mess. That's why I cry in the shadows. In private. When there's no one to wipe away my tears. But still hoping desperately that someone would.

A silent cry for help. So be it. Here God. Here's a prayer. I'm not going to pray for anything specific cos we both know that ain't going to happen. Instead, all I ask is that You show me what You want and help me do it with a minimum of fuss and pain.

Isn't it time you stop playing these games. Get on with it; or let me quit.

False friends and false memories

2010-05-03T09:13:00.001+05:30

I don't understand how people can cling to the past so much. I have a few friends who are still carrying the torch for their exes. Though they were cheated on / lied to / taken for granted / abused / misled... they still persist in absolving the other party of any of the blame. They continue to remember the "good times" and continue to enjoy memories of "the good old days when...".

I'm not like that.

When I was in college I had a friend I'll call Racheal. We had some good times together until I found that she was not really as fond of me as she pretended to me. I can no longer look back at the times I shared with her with any joy. Every time I remember the times we laughed together, my memories are tainted by the thought that maybe she was also laughing at me for not seeing through her. Each time I remember the secrets we shared I wonder at myself for not seeing through the facade faster.

I can never look back at a memory and see it untouched by what I know now.

Good, bad or ugly you decide.

2010 so far...

2010-02-24T13:07:00.001+05:30

2010 has been a revelation to me. It started with a bang. I had a blast but I also saw some things I did not want to see. Looking back at the year so far there have been three defining incidents.

First, I met a guy I once loved and was amazed by how indifferent I felt. I poked and prodded at my memories.... trying to remember the feelings I once had. Trying to recapture the glow. All to no avail. I've grown and changed. And so has he. And maybe that's the best answer to all those who say its best to fall in love and settle down at a young age. Yes, it's definitely easier to adjust. Yes, we are definitely not so rigid and fixed. But what if we do settle down... say at the ripe old age of 21 (that's how old I was when I loved that guy). And then say some years pass... and we grow and we discover that we have grown into two very different people....

A friend of mine argues that when you really care for someone you will both grow together.. but then... what of growing individually? If I was with him, would I have ever read Kahil Gibran, would I have learnt that I love upma and hate dosas, would I have learnt that beer only tastes good if you're dying of thirst..

Isn't it better that I learnt who I am and what I stand for before I set out to find my other half?

Who knows...

Hmm... what next...

I guess the next incident was falling sick. For the first time I felt cared for by someone other than family. And it felt good, though it only served to underscore the unmet expectations I've been carrying around.

Also my illness resulted in a looong visit from my dad. And somehow, without realising it, that looong visit taught me something important. It made me realise how much I valued something that had become such a part of my life that I was taking it for granted.

And still... still I remained blind.

The third incident was actually a series of incidents leading upto and beyond Valentine's day.

Someone I thought was my friend lied to me. And in such a way that it now makes me think back and wonder how many times he'd lied before. The tragedy of it was that the lies were all so unnecessary. What was the point? Did he do it for material profit? Maybe. Overall I'm about 20000 bucks poorer for that experience. But it was worth every penny to see the truth.
It doesn't hurt me, or at least I think it does not hurt me. Maybe I'm still in shock. Oh well, I wish I could say I've learnt my lesson and I will never trust someone like that again. I tried. I did try to stay bitter and distrusting. But then someone walked into my life. And taught me to trust him. I did not want to get close to him. But everytime I turned around he was there for me. How could I not learn to depend on him. I tried so hard to maintain a wall. But somehow, I don't know how, he got inside it.

Today I'm scared, but happy. Hurt, but joyful. I lost a fake friend, but thats the kind of loss that should be celebrated. I found someone precious, but thats the kind of joy that often brings pain.

So here I am once again. It's a new year. But the same old me. Once again I'm throwing myself off a cliff hoping I'll learn to fly. So what if I've crashed everytime till date. You only need to learn to fly once.

Back in the morning shift

2009-10-26T13:50:00.004+05:30

After 9 months in the evening shift everyone is back to a general 9 to 6 workday. All our families are happy. Are we?

Some of us, definitely are. Some would be happy if it wasn't for the drop in allowances. But many many others are missing the beauty of the night.

A nearly empty office, pin-drop silence, twinkling stars visible from the cafeteria, midnight walks to a nearby roadside stall... even the "slum" nearby looked lovely at night from our vantage point, high above the rest of the world.

It's the end of an era in a way. We now have one more thing to reminisce about.

I've been telling most of my friends that I feel that the end of this year will bring me some clarity on a problem that's been haunting me over the past 2 yrs.

I have this strong feeling that this is just one more necessary step on the road to enlightenment.

If so, I'm scared. I wish I had someone to stand by me at this point, someone to tell me it's all going to be alright.

I want someone to tell me whether I need to batten down the hatches... is there a storm approaching?

I don't want to worry needlessly, but I do so wish I knew whether I should be worrying at all.

Please God, if you're listening, send me a sign.

And if it's not good, give me the strength to handle it.

August 2009 & September 2009

2009-10-03T03:28:00.003+05:30

When I'm old and grey and I read through this blog, August 2009 is a month I'd like to remember.

It's the busiest month of my life so far.

I got promoted and I bought a flat. All in one month.

I still can't believe everything happened so fast. Finding a flat i liked, my folks giving me the go-ahead, getting the paperwork in place, getting my home loan approved, getting the registration done, and actually shifting into the flat. All in one month. And all this mind you just after i got new responsibilities at the start of the month that meant that i couldn't take time off and I had to show up and measure up at work!

As for September 2009... not such a good month. Been sick almost continuously. More importantly got to know somethings about certain people that I didn't like learning.

But hopefully by the end of this year I will clear all the junk out of my life and stick with things that are worth it.

Now that everything else is fine I need to clear my emotional life too.

I am seriously considering turning into an emotionally repressed person. The side effects of emotional repression (as seen on tv and in books) seem to be alcoholism and suicide. But thats usually a loooong process. I think I can pull of emotional repression for a year without doing any damage.

It'll be a break from the heightened emotional dramas I've been living through.

Food for thought...

Buying Books

2009-07-15T18:38:00.000+05:30

As children, books are usually harmless... Our parents usually choose which books we read. Since it's not really something we are investing much in, it doesn't matter how good or bad the books are.

A child does not have very high standards. Any book that is interesting stays with him through his life (atleast as a good memory), and any book thats not so good, disappears at some point, and he probably won't even notice. Of course some kids who are careless also lose the books they love, but it doesn't really bother them... they keep discovering new books...

But when you're older all this changes. You usually spend more time buying a good book. Only once in a while do you actually end up owning a book you have not chosen with care. Sometimes you buy strange books from the road side since they are cheap and not a big risk. Sometimes those unexpected books turn out to be winners, sometimes not.

But those are not the books I want to talk about today.

I want to talk about the books you buy after extensive research. The book with the lovely cover, the exciting back story, the book with the good reviews.... Maybe you spend a lot on that book. More than you thought you would.

And then after reading the book you discover you've been had. That it isn't worth 1/10th the cost.

What do you do with a book like that?

Do you throw it out? Remember you spent so much time and money on it.

Do you just keep it on your bookshelf? Keeping it on your bookshelf reminds you of how disappointing it was. Of how much you regretted buying that book.

I have a book I regret buying. I spent a lot on it. I thought it would give me a lot of happiness. And the beginning was good. But I'm nearing the end now and it's hard to keep reading... and once I'm done... there's still the problem of what to do with the book...

Things I liked this weekend...

2009-07-06T22:14:00.000+05:30

When I have a place of my own I will own...

Catchin' up...

2009-07-04T23:39:00.003+05:30

ok... where was I...

Hmm... after watching three seasons of Dexter, here's what's been keeping me busy...

Season 3 - Bones
Season 4 - Bones
Season 1 - Fringe
Season 1 - Highlander
Season 4 - House
Season 5 - House
Season 1 - Bones
...in that order.

In between I found time for...

the aftermath of Dad's bypass operation... (April 4th)
Sister's 21st Birthday... (May 13th)
buying a new tire for my bike...
sending my laptop for repairs and buying a netbook...
Downloading Dragon Speak Naturally 10 (since 9 didn't work) and actually getting it to work!!!...
a San Juao Rain dance...(28th June)
a good friend's b'day... (June 26th)
crazy SCR deadline at work... (May 18th to July 15th)...
Flat hunting in Pune... (seen 8 so far)...
Terminator 4
X-Men Origins: Wolverine
New York
Kambhakth Ishq
and many many downloaded movies which I can't go into...

ahhh....

now I feel better...

Dexter

2009-02-24T12:39:00.004+05:30

I've been busy the past 2 weeks watching Dexter. For those who haven't heard about Dexter, it's a tv series about a serial killer. It doesn't play here in India but I've heard about it from my friends so once I managed to get my hands on it I shut off the tv, cut down on my 'phone-time' and focused all my attention on it. The first season was the best I think. You felt connected to the characters (except Debra who is the most annoying character ever) and you enjoyed the denouement.

The second season left me conflicted. I don't like innocent people getting in trouble and the end of that season didn't really do anything to help. Also there was no real suspense. Definately the most boring season if it wasn't for Lila who apparently is the reason most of my male friends have been praising this show to the sky.

The third season, which I finished watching yesterday, changed the focus of the series a bit. It became less 'Dexter the serial killer' and more 'Dexter the character'. In the first two seasons it was the 'killing' part of the story line that got your attention. In the third season that became the background for Dexter's 'emotional journey' of sorts. Interesting, but not in the same way.

Overall verdict - Watch the first season.

Last Chapter

2009-01-15T13:34:00.006+05:30

This is the final story in the set. The first three can be found by clicking on the 'Fiction' link on the left.

The only thing they have in common is my mood when I wrote them...

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Last Chapter

This was the last chapter in the book. Ricky was determined to make it out alive. When they’d started out he’d been an insignificant character. But then the murders had started. And the characters had started to die, one by one. One or two in each chapter. But he’d made it. And he was determined to survive till the end. AND… he was also determined to be the guy that got the girl.

He frowned. Unless of course she turned out to be the murderess. No one else seemed to have noticed, but he’d had his eye on her right from the start and there were quite a few small indications here and there. Of course, at first his eye had been on her just because she was the most beautiful description around. Long silky hair, soulful eyes, a figure to die for… He sighed and tried not to get too engrossed in his dreams. That was the best way to get murdered around here. Be caught unawares and get a knife in your back.

He wandered out of the house. He’d just got a minor mention so far. The thought started worrying him. Maybe that was a warning. Maybe the next thing he knew he’d be found lying on the ground, dead.

He frowned. That didn’t seem right. How the hell would he know if he was dead?

He found his feet taking him towards the rose garden and brightened up immediately. SHE spent a lot of her time in the rose garden. That would be fun. He hoped the author would write the scene that followed. It was no fun being left untold. He couldn’t experience so many things because the author was trying to cater to a family audience.

If only he’d been a character in a porn book. Now that would be a rich field of experience.

-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-

Damn. Last he’d been walking towards the rose garden and HER. And now here he was back in his room. With her lipstick all over his shirt! A huge smile broke across his face. Apparently he’d finally gotten some action; but why oh why didn’t the author write it? Atleast he’d have had a memory to last him by even if he didn't wind up with her.

He showered and dressed, the smile still on his face. He was so engrossed in his thoughts he hardly heard the Butler knocking on the door. He went and opened the door and found that he was being summoned to a meeting downstairs. He hurried downstairs eagerly. New developments. Who was the new victim?

Downstairs the blue sitting room was full. The inspector had gathered together all the characters and the private investigator was about to launch into the denouement. Ricky shivered with anticipation, apparently he'd made it to the climax. He was standing at the end of the room. Not important enough to join the main characters up in front. But he was still happy just to be there. And then, before he could really start to enjoy himself, he heard the detective say that the Girl was missing. He felt a cold finger run down his spine. He'd been on his way to meet her. He'd woken up with her lipstick all over his shirt. The shirt that was still lying unwashed in the bathroom upstairs. What if this wasn't the climax after all. What if this was an attempt to mislead the readers. What if he was arrested and had to sit out the rest of the book in a prison cell until the real killer was captured... His worry for the Girl receded into the background as he started worrying about himself.

Then an even more horrifying thought struck him. What if he was actually the murderer. What if this book didn't have any scenes from the killers point of view, and the poor chap was going merrily about his life without realising what the author was making him do 'off-stage' so to speak. Ricky broke out into a cold sweat. He mustered up the courage to look directly at the detective and found that the detective was grazing steadily at him.

Panic stricken he muttered an excuse to the footman standing next to him and edged out of the room. He found himself hurrying upstairs, for the first time feeling like the helpless pawn that he was. He muttered angrily to himself, there was no point trying to flee. Only the killer would flee. He'd take that shirt and go down and talk to that detective. He'd tell him everything he'd observed and offer to help. A smile crept over his face. Maybe he'd become a major character now. If he actually did a real good job of it he might even be promoted to sidekick to the famous detective. He'd noticed that this detective was still working alone. Well it was only the second book of the series. It was the right time for introduction of a sidekick. He rushed to the bathroom and picked up the shirt from the laundry basket. As he straightened up he looked into the mirror in front of him just in time to see the knife come swooping down.

His last emotion was annoyance. Now he'd never know who the killer was...

uTorrent

2009-02-03T01:44:00.003+05:30

I was a big fan of Limewire. In fact somewhere in my archives I think there's a post called Limewire v. BitTorrent in which Limewire won hands down. Well I havent' been downloading for almost a year now. There just wasn't any space on my comp. Now with prices crashing I've bought lots of space and finally I can start downloading again.

I've started with Dragon Speak Naturally. And Changeling. Both took almost a day apiece. But now I'm down to the last 5 minutes... and soon I'll see if my patience has finally paid off.

And yeah... I'm using uTorrent now. N it's pretty neat.

Will watch the movie and review it tomorrow.

Ciao.

HSBC Credit Card - Part Two

2009-01-08T23:06:00.004+05:30

Just a quick post to say that after a daily exchange of emails, (apparently sending an email full of expletives and threats of legal action works!) I got an email from HSBC today as follows:

We refer to your email message dated 06 January 2008 regarding your
credit card.

Regarding your query relating to annual fee, a Lifetime Free Credit card
would depend on the corporate tie up between HSBC and different
companies.

However, as a service gesture we have reversed the annual fee for INR
3000/- along with the service tax and the relevant credit will reflect
in the subsequent month statement.

We value your custom and request you to reconsider your decision to
cancel the card.

Please feel free to write to us if you require further clarification.

Yours sincerely,

Suman.A
Customer Service Executive
HSBC India

_____________________________________________________________

At which point I thanked them for the favour they seem to think they are doing me.

Pointed out that if I hadn't checked my statement I'd have been 3000 poorer like their other hapless customers

Asked how the hell I could return their cards and how long it would take.

And now I'm sure HSBC things everything's settled.

Yeah right! Their prompt action has taken them off the top spot on my hit list but they're there to stay...

HSBC Credit Card - Part One

2009-01-05T23:18:00.007+05:30

This is something I've got to share...

The sad saga started more than a year back. Some guy walked into our office and asked if we wanted LIFETIME FREE HSBC Credit Cards. I wasn't too keen but since everyone was applying for one I did too and soon I was the owner of a LIFETIME FREE HSBC Card. [The capitals are there for a reason.... read on]

I received a call even before I got the card saying that I would also receive a free add on card. I specifically said I DID NOT want an add on card. I mean, what would one of me do with 2 cards?

The person on the phone said okay, the add on card would be cancelled and yet after some time I found that 2 cards were delivered. I should have figured out how attention deficit they were right then. I would have refused the second card but I wasn't sure that it would be a good idea to leave the card with the delivery guy!

Anyway, I have no idea where the post office is so I never did send that card back. Why the hell should I have to pay and take trouble for their asininity.

-----

Fast forward a few months. I used the card a couple of times but found that it was a big hassle paying the dues. The card statements would come almost on the due date and then I'd have to scurry all the way to town since they didn't have any branches nearby. They also didn't have any cheque pick up facility... c'mon, how antiquated are they?!?

Anyway one time I was 1 day late with one payment. I was actually standing in their atm but could not pay since I didn't have my atm pin. So I'm on the phone with their customer executive and he's telling me there's nothing he can do to help me. Then the talk somehow turned to the fact that the card was a free card. I had this warning chill down my spine. I asked him point blank if I would have to suddenly pay something for the card. He asked when the expiry was I said towards the end of 2009. He said I might have to pay some charges then. I told him I didn't need a card and I'd sooner cancel it than choose to renew it.

Anyway, after that I got fed up with traipsing all over town to pay my dues so I paid them all off. In fact I paid about 172 bucks extra, and then I promptly forgot all about the damn thing.

Today I checked my email.. (thank you God)... and I found that they'd sent me a credit card statement. I opened it, something I'd ordinarily never do.... I mean why would I open a credit card statement for a card I haven't used for months. A card moreover where I have paid EXTRA!!!

But I opened the statement expecting to see what I'd seen last time... the pleasing sight of money owed to me by a credit card company.... BUT.... you know what's coming up right....
apparently I owed them 3000 bucks!!!!

I was shocked. My card was right in front of me. Had someone managed to get it out of my purse without my knowledge...

I frantically checked the details, only to find that they were as follows:

Membership fees - Rs. 2000
Add - on fees - Rs. 1000

I was furious at first. I called up their customer care line intending to rant and rave, but some poor SOB was lucky the damn thing was closed.

So I vented out my ire in an email.

Then I checked online and apparently this is a common scam of theirs. Promising "LIFETIME FREE" cards and then very quietly adding membership fees.

Now I feel it's my duty to see that someone who can't afford it doesn't become a victim.

So now... here I am... with a brand new 'new year' resolution... SCREW HSBC

Now I don't want their card or anything from them even if they paid me.

I'm strongly tempted to make a voodoo doll called HSBC and stick pins into it.

Christmas 2008

2008-12-25T16:06:00.005+05:30

Been in Goa less than two days but it seems like ages. Running around with decorations last minute, last minute Christmas shopping, midnight mass at Don Bosco's, it's just like almost every Christmas of my life.

And yet...so many things are different this year.

The deco was over really fast since we used an artificial fibre-optic tree this year. Till last year we kept up the tradition of driving to Campal, paying some guy to cut branches of pine trees, then dragging them behind the car all the way home n then struggling each year to find a new way of putting up the 'tree'. For the past few years we also used our new fibre-optic tree. This year finally we mutually decided that the new tree was good enough n no one missed the trek to Campal.

This year was the first time we were ready early for midnight mass.
This year we had to park far away from the chapel n stand in line to walk through metal detectors cos of the terrorist threat.
This year there was a new choir n though they did their best something just wasn't right.
This year my cousins were going to a dance n though they asked me to join them I preferred going home with my folks.
This year I'm on my way to Margao instead of sitting at home n entertaining all my friends who drop by.
This year I'm using my phone to surf cos we have visitors n I'm not getting any time to sit on my comp n take advantage of the great broadband speeds we get here.
This year I got a lot of Christmas gifts I really liked.
This year I gave a lot of gifts and realised I enjoy that even more.
This year I feel that I've outgrown who I was and I'm ready to be who I'll become.

Merry Christmas everyone.

Feni

2008-12-20T08:31:00.010+05:30

Found out something strange yesterday and just had to share.

For those who haven't heard of it, Feni is distilled liquor from cashews. It's loved by many, hated by even more, and Goa's most famous product.

For years Goans have been telling others about the 'undrinkableness' of Feni. The way it burns its way down your throat, the fact that it's the strongest drink around. For years Goans have stood back, watched as a non-goan took his first sip of cashew feni and then had a good laugh at the expression on his face.

Many Goan children are allowed a sip or two of feni at quite a young age as it's considered a miracle cure for colds and stomach upsets alike.

Yesterday I was chatting with a friend of mine (Suspect - for those who've been here before) and feni was mentioned. And he said he loved it. I was puzzled. How did an 18 year old Noida kid get a taste for feni. I knew he'd visited Goa once and figured that he'd tasted it then. But this trip of his was more than a year previously and was a 'family' vacation. I couldn't really see his parents giving him feni to drink!

Well I asked him about it and then the whole story came out... Apparently while I thought feni was safely at home in Goa its been kicking up its heels all over the place. It reached Noida! Thats not even one of the main metros.

Apparently feni is the drink of choice for anyone who wants to get drunk. It's 'cheap, great for getting drunk and tastes good with whatever cheap additive is around' in Suspect's own words.

According to Suspect, up north everyone is creating 'bastardized feni cocktails' with red bull / tetrapack orange juice / three week old coconut milk / and even pineapple juice!!

It's like a child I once knew grew up when my back was turned. And not only that, apparently the child has become a world traveller and is sleeping around with trash!

Feni, feni... roaming so far from home...

The Pillars of the Earth

2008-12-16T20:58:00.002+05:30

Ken Follett's best book is unquestionably the Pillars of the Earth.

I first read it around 10 years ago. I don't know why I ever picked up such a fat book. Guess I was so taken with 'Eye of the Needle' that I thought such a big book would be twice as good.

Well soon after I started I realised that this book was nothing like the other Ken Follett novels. This one had no spies, no cliff hangers, and yet... I kept reading. And when I finished I knew that one day, some day, I would buy the book.

I'd forgotten all about that thought, conceived so many years ago. But a fortuitous chain of incidents made me the owner of this 1076 page classic.

If you enjoy reading please go out and get this book. I thought I could no longer get lost in a book. This book showed me how wrong I was. I was away from my computer this weekend and I had a lot of catching up to do yesterday, BUT... I made the mistake of starting with the book. I didn't put it down till about 3 or 4 am. Today morning I was so engrossed in it I only realised the time when the driver gave me a buzz. I even skipped lunch just so I could focus on the book. And finally, it's finished. I can eat, drink and blog. :) Leave behind the 12th centuary and rejoin this one...

Damn.. now I wish it was twice as big...

Avril Lavigne - My Happy Ending

2008-05-13T09:27:00.002+05:30

I'm feeling very perky today for no good reason.

Maybe it's cos I've been listening to Avril Lavigne's "My Happy Ending".

With a little editing this song could say it all:

Oh oh, oh oh
So much for my happy ending

Oh oh, oh oh
So much for my happy ending

Oh oh, oh oh, oh oooooh....

Let's talk this over
It's not like we're dead
Was it something I did?
Was it something you said?

Don't leave me hangin'
In a city so dead
Held up so high
On such a breakable thread

......

All this time you were pretending
So much for my happy ending

......

It's nice to know that you were there,
Thanks for acting like you cared
And making me feel like I was the only one
It's nice to know we had it all
Thanks for watching as I fall
And letting me know we were done

......

All this time you were pretending
So much for my happy ending

Oh oh, oh oh
So much for my happy ending
Oh oh, oh oh
So much for my happy ending

Oh oh, oh oh, oh oh....
Oh oooooh....

Thank you Avril!

Tom Cruise sucks!

2006-04-14T22:49:00.000+05:30

Just came across an article about the impending birth of the TomKitten (the unfortunate byproduct of the TomKat). Ergo, the much-to-be-pitied child of Tom Cruise (cultist who wears a good mask) and Katie Holmes (total moron who needs to be saved from the cult). Aaaah.... I feel so good venting out all the bile that comes up whenever I think of them. Gettin serious, I'm not the kind who bothers about celebrities usually. However when I was a kid I read a book about a cult. Its a pretty well known book and when I find out the name I'll add it to this post. The book was published in a collection of great books by Reader's Digest many many years ago but I wish all those Tom Cruise fans out there could be force-fed that book. Right now I'll be very happy to volunteer to stuff it down the next Tom Cruise fan I come across (hopefully a vanishing breed soon to become extinct).

I don't care about Tom Cruise. He's old enough to choose his life and honestly speaking I think he's smart enough and can look after himself. Besides after so many years having a normal life if he wants to throw it away and jump of a bridge... I'll rush to help. The victim here is the unborn child and to an extent Katie. I'd be sorry for her but I've never been very sympathetic towards idiots. However all signs seem to show that she's been totally brainwashed. Easy to do if the subject is naive and 'dumb' enough. Hopefully the 'wonderful' silent childbirth she has promised to undergo (without meds that too) should bring her to her senses. Or maybe it'll be the week after the birth when she's promised not to go near the baby that will do the trick. However I do believe that eventually life will be too hard to ignore. She'll come to her senses n then the Tomkitten will be a major player in a war that he/she/it might not understand.

Shame on Katie's parents. Shame on all the rest of her family too and also on everyone who says they love her.

Oh just incase its not clear... I will never pay to watch a Tom Cruise movie again. Warning to friends and family reading this post. Please do NOT try to 'discuss' this topic with me unless you wholeheartedly agree.

Appraisals!

2008-04-18T14:04:00.004+05:30

Appraisal time is here. And this is going to be my first ever 'proper' appraisal.

Or rather the time has come for everyone to find out the results of their appraisals. The actual appraisals were done in March. At that time I didn't have time to TALK to anyone, much less sit and update this blog. But it's all going to pay off now. Yippee!

I'm so excited. And just a bit worried. I've been building castles in the air the past few weeks and after endless discussions with others like me it seems that I have grossly over estimated the salary hike I'll be getting.

Not so good.

But who says they're right. I'll just cross my fingers and wait.

Almost everything else in my life is going to hell. This one thing has to be good. It... just... has... to... be... good...

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It wasn't. (April 21st)

Birthdays

2008-05-09T13:16:00.002+05:30

Today is a collegue's birthday. She's become a pretty good friend over the past year but since my last birthday I find it very hard to rejoice over birthdays in general.

Guess I have too many bad memories.

I'm finding that it's not so easy to forget bad memories.
Everytime I think I've done it something comes up and the bad memories creep up and kick me where it hurts...

Promotions

2008-10-28T11:37:00.003+05:30

I've been promoted. Good news anyone would say. I'm pretty happy about it, don't get me wrong, but the promotion unexpectedly brought home something I'd never realised.

I don't have a single person here in Pune who I'm very very close to and who will be happy for me no matter what.

There were many people who congratulated me and wished me well. But their words didn't mean all that much to me. They seemed to saying the words out of common courtesy and general rules of behaviour. No one here in Pune showed real jubilation. There are some people I'm close to. In particular a guy I'm going to call Axle. I'm sad when Axle is sad and happy when he's happy but I've not got a friend like that. Axle is too preoccupied with his own life and there's no one else.

To be fair I have to mention a guy I'll call Ray. Ray does seem to care. He's concerned, caring and seems truly happy for me. But it doesn't mean as much because it's something new. Time will tell if this concern and friendship will last.

So the day I got promoted I had no one to celebrate with.

While I've always known that it's important to have the people you're close to, with you to share your sorrows, this is the first time I've realised that joys don't count for much when you have no one to share them with.

Freedom of Religion

2008-12-09T21:55:00.003+05:30

I'm sick and tired of religion. And I don't care who knows it. I'm tired of the divisions it has caused, the pain it has brought, the barriers it has built.

Don't get me wrong. Religion has its strong points. It gives people a reason to be good, hope for a life after this one, a better life than this one.

But wait a minute. Is it religion that does all that or just belief in God?

As far as I'm concerned anyone who believes in God, believes in good and evil, and all the consequences that follow. All that religion should be, is the organised worship of that God. Not something that destroys the brotherhood of man.

Unfortunately, today religion has become a shortcut to war. I worship this way. So should you. Because of course God cares how we worship him. Just loving him and being good isn't enough anymore.

You don't believe in my God. And you follow such strange customs. Ofcourse you can't marry into my family. Though all of us are the children of one God, you call God by another name and he's so offended that he's excommunicated you.

I'm not letting my flat to those people. They have such disgusting habits.

I'm not working with that guy, he's a ______

All ______ can't be trusted.

I'm against the multiplicity of religions. And the ease with which new ones are created each day. Take Scientology for instance. Scientology is a way of life, a belief system, NOT a religion. And yet, because of the great privileges "religion" has, Scientology has happily carved itself a home under the umbrella of freedom of religion.

The concept of freedom of religion was created so that people could be FREE. Not forced into one particular mode of worship. And what it has become is something far different. An excuse for rituals and an excuse for rigidity. An excuse for finding fault and an excuse for intolerance.

People commit atrocities in the name of religion. Would the world be a haven of peace without religion? No, not particularly. Wars will always happens, neighbours will often fight. But at least no one would be insulting God by claiming to fight in His name.

What do we do next...

2008-12-02T20:18:00.000+05:30

3 points of view

2008-11-26T00:17:00.005+05:30

This is the third of a set of four stories I wrote over the past year and a half.

The first two are already up. They aren't connected so you don't need to read the other two, but if you want to, just click on the 'Fiction' label to the left.

Cheers!

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Three Points of View

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He walked slowly across the room. A man who looked twice as old as he actually was. He passed a mirror on the wall and grimaced as he saw his reflection. No wonder people shrank from him. Hollow cheeks, eyes too big for his face, he looked like a skeleton with skin stretched over his frame.

Maybe that’s why she’d killed herself. Tired of being married to a sick man. Tired of watching him die every day. In front of her eyes.

But the cops were so sure she’d been murdered... He shook his head angrily in disbelief. Murdered. Who’d want to murder her? It was ridiculous. He’d seen his fair share of murders when he’d been a young detective all those years ago. Greed, revenge, love. Those were the emotions that powered murders. And all three were absent here. Lydia had been penniless when they’d gotten married. Sure she’d get his money when he died but here he was. Alive and well. Ok, so maybe he wasn’t well, but he still was a long way from the grave.

Revenge? She was 23. Who could she have hurt so badly? Who could have been so angry at her to want to kill her?

That left love. He grimaced. That was probably on the cop’s minds from the moment they’d seen the body and met him. They were probably convinced she’d had a lover who’d killed her. Of course they wouldn’t tell him that. But that’s what they were thinking. He was sure of it. They’d paw through her personal diary and scheduler. Looking for evidence of an affair.

Lucky he’d found her diary and letters last night. Full of her love for him. Full of her sorrow at the lingering illness that would part them one day. He’d burnt them. The diary and every last letter. All her thoughts that she’d never intended to share with the world.

He smiled wistfully. If he’d ever doubted her love, reading the diary would have made him feel ashamed of himself. As it was, it had made him cry. A bitter reminder of all he’d had and all he’d lost.

He sat in his favourite chair and stared out the window.

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Detective Johnson looked across the room at the man in the easy chair looking out the window. A very poor actor. Trying to pretend he was grieving for his wife. Well they’d nail him. He was the only person with access to the apartment. None of the locks had been forced. Nothing was out of place. No unexpected fingerprints had been found. The poor fool had probably found out that she was planning to leave him. That must have been the last straw. Lucky the kid had blurted it out. Funny thing. A man with a 16 year old son marrying a woman of 23. The kid had been glad for his father’s sake until he found out that she was having an affair. He was so worried they’d think his dad did it; he’d gone out of his way to convince them that his father didn’t even know about the affair, not realizing that they themselves hadn’t known anything about it.

Funny the way things worked out. The kid had been trying to save his dad but had actually provided the missing link. The motive. Of course they’d look for a diary or something but he didn’t expect to find anything. She wrote regularly in her diary. That much he’d learnt from her friends and family. That was probably how the old man had found out. But he knew how these things worked. He’d probably burnt the dairy.

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The boy sat and watched the detective. What was he looking at? The boy couldn’t see. What was he thinking? The boy didn’t know.

Lydia was dead. He could hardly believe it. Lydia the bitch was dead. She’d taken his father away from him. His father would never have been as harsh as he’d become if it wasn’t for her. They’d refused to send him to the National academy of Drama. Said he’d be a terrible actor. And now they’d planned to send him away to military school. To instill some discipline into his life! Yeah right.

Well she’d gotten what she deserved. Now all he had to do was wait and watch. Anytime now the warrant would be issued against his old man. Based on his testimony. He would be shocked and horrified. He would run and hug his father and swear that he believed in his innocence. He would swear to do everything he could to free him.

He sat and prepared for the part of a lifetime.

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