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Sunday, April 23, 2006

Language Laughs :)

I read the following on http://imbound.blogspot.com and I just had to copy it here :) It the first thing thats made me laugh in days.... and boy oh boy did I need it.
The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility.
As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5-year phase-in plan that would become known as “Euro-English”.

In the first year, “S” will replace the soft “c”. Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy.

The hard “c” will be dropped in favour of “k”. This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter.

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome “ph” will be replaced with “f” This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter.

In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling.

Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent “e” in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away.

By the 4th yer people wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing “th” with “z” and “w” with “v”.
During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary “O” kan be dropd from vords kontaining “ou” and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensibl riten styl.

Zer vil be no mor t rubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi TU understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru.

Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst plas.

Sunday, April 16, 2006

Shit happens!

'Shit happens' is one of my friend's fave sayings. Its hard to know exactly how much i can say on this blog without giving too much away. Its hard wanting to wallow in self pity and yet having to put up a bright face for the person who's the cause of all my self pity. Since its now Easter maybe I should just make this an open letter to God. You may ask why it's an open letter. Well this way if I know someone will read it. God maybe a bit too busy playing with my head to take the time.

Dear God,

Why exactly are you doing this? I understand that you are supposed to have some great plan of your own and I also understand that I have to play my part in that plan but why on earth do I have to go thru' all these little side-trips. What difference would it make if i had a little happiness or none at all. Why do you give hope and then take it away.

Look, I honestly don't see the purpose in this. If it's to show me how much I care, well it still doesn't make any sense cos knowing that I care doesn't make one bit of difference to anyone. It doesn't help me at all. Please please help me have faith in you again. I need to believe that you are working things out in your own way. Cos if that's not the case then putting me through this is unnecessarily cruel.

Still, I find I have faith enough left to believe that tomorrow when I wake up things will make some more sense. Please don't let me down. I need someone to tell me what the f* is going on.


Friday, April 14, 2006

Tom Cruise sucks!

Just came across an article about the impending birth of the TomKitten (the unfortunate byproduct of the TomKat). Ergo, the much-to-be-pitied child of Tom Cruise (cultist who wears a good mask) and Katie Holmes (total moron who needs to be saved from the cult). Aaaah.... I feel so good venting out all the bile that comes up whenever I think of them. Gettin serious, I'm not the kind who bothers about celebrities usually. However when I was a kid I read a book about a cult. Its a pretty well known book and when I find out the name I'll add it to this post. The book was published in a collection of great books by Reader's Digest many many years ago but I wish all those Tom Cruise fans out there could be force-fed that book. Right now I'll be very happy to volunteer to stuff it down the next Tom Cruise fan I come across (hopefully a vanishing breed soon to become extinct).

I don't care about Tom Cruise. He's old enough to choose his life and honestly speaking I think he's smart enough and can look after himself. Besides after so many years having a normal life if he wants to throw it away and jump of a bridge... I'll rush to help. The victim here is the unborn child and to an extent Katie. I'd be sorry for her but I've never been very sympathetic towards idiots. However all signs seem to show that she's been totally brainwashed. Easy to do if the subject is naive and 'dumb' enough. Hopefully the 'wonderful' silent childbirth she has promised to undergo (without meds that too) should bring her to her senses. Or maybe it'll be the week after the birth when she's promised not to go near the baby that will do the trick. However I do believe that eventually life will be too hard to ignore. She'll come to her senses n then the Tomkitten will be a major player in a war that he/she/it might not understand.

Shame on Katie's parents. Shame on all the rest of her family too and also on everyone who says they love her.

Oh just incase its not clear... I will never pay to watch a Tom Cruise movie again. Warning to friends and family reading this post. Please do NOT try to 'discuss' this topic with me unless you wholeheartedly agree.

Gals v/s Guys = Laugh Riot

Remember the book "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus"?
Well, here's a prime example offered by an English professor at an American University.

In-class Assignment for Wednesday
"Today we will experiment with a new form called the tandem story.The process is simple. Each person will pair off with the person sitting to his or her immediate right. One of you will then write the first paragraph of a short story. The partner will read the first paragraph and then add another paragraph to the story.The first person will then add a third paragraph, and so on back and forth.Remember to re-read what has been written each time in order to keep the story coherent.There is to be absolutely NO talking and anything you wish to say must be written on the paper.The story is over when both agree a conclusion has been reached."

The following was actually turned in by two of my English students: Rebecca - last name deleted, and Gary - last name deleted.

STORY: (first paragraph by Rebecca)

At first, Laurie couldn't decide which kind of tea she wanted.The chamomile, which used to be her favorite for lazy evenings at home, now reminded her too much of Carl, who once said, in happier times, that he liked chamomile. But she felt she must now, at all costs, keep her mind off Carl. His possessiveness was suffocating, and if she thought about him too much her asthma started acting up again. So chamomile was out of the question.
Meanwhile, Advance Sergeant Carl Harris, leader of the attack squadron now in orbit over Skylon 4, had more important things to think about than the neuroses of an air-headed asthmatic bimbo named Laurie with whom he had spent one sweaty night over a year ago.
"A.S. Harris to Geostation 17," he said into his transgalactic communicator. "Polar orbit established. No sign of resistance so far..."But before he could sign off a bluish particle beam flashed out of nowhere and blasted a hole through his ship's cargo bay.The jolt from the direct hit sent him flying out of his seat and across the cockpit.
He bumped his head and died almost immediately, but not before he felt one last pang of regret for psychically brutalizing the one woman who had ever had feelings for him. Soon afterwards, Earth stopped its pointless hostilities towards the peaceful farmers of Skylon 4."Congress Passes Law Permanently Abolishing War and Space Travel,"Laurie read in her newspaper one morning.The news simultaneously excited her and bored her. She stared out the window, dreaming of her youth - when the days had passed unhurriedly and carefree, with no newspapers to read, no television to distract her from her sense of innocent wonder at all the beautiful things around her.
"Why must one lose one's innocence to become a woman?" she pondered wistfully.
Little did she know, but she had less than 10 seconds to live. Thousands of miles above the city, the Anu'udrian mothership launched the first of its lithium fusion missiles. The dim-witted wimpy peaceniks who pushed the Unilateral Aerospace Disarmament Treaty through congress had left Earth adefenseless target for the hostile alien empires who were determined to destroy the human race.Within two hours after the passage of the treaty the Anu'udrian ships were on course for Earth, carrying enough firepower to pulverize the entire planet.With no one to stop them, they swiftly initiated their diabolical plan.The lithium fusion missile entered the atmosphere unimpeded. The President, in his top-secret mobile submarine headquarters on the ocean floor off the coast of Guam, felt the inconceivably massive explosion which vaporized poor, stupid, Laurie and 85 million other Americans.
The President slammed his fist on the conference table."We can't allow this! I'm going to veto that treaty!Let's blow 'em out of the sky!"
This is absurd. I refuse to continue this mockery of literature.My writing partner is a violent, chauvinistic, semi-literate adolescent.
Yeah? Well, you're a self-centered tedious neurotic whose attempts at writing are the literary equivalent of Valium."Oh shall I have camomile tea? Or shall I have some other sort of FUCKING TEA???Oh no I'm such a air headed bimbo who reads too many Mills & Boon novels."
Get fucked.
Eat shit.
Go drink some tea - whore..

Tuesday, April 11, 2006

The Stand - Stephen King

I recently read the unabridged version of 'The Stand' by Stephen King. It started of really well and I thought I knew why most of his fans say it's one of his best. Most of the characters are beautifully drawn. Half way through however the whole tone of the book changed. The only way I can explain what I mean is by saying that I felt like he started the book with one concept in mind and then half way through decided to walk on another road altogether. The end of the book seems like an act of desperation. I got the impression that SK was in such a hurry to finish the damn thing he took the easy way out. Everything is too classically 'wrapped up'. Everything is just too damn convenient. From any other author it wouldn't be that big a deal. But from the author of a book like 'Cujo'... It was a real let down.

Wednesday, April 05, 2006

'Cotton fall'

Cotton, cotton everywhere. Very pretty and very dangerous. Atleast dangerous to someone like me who's allergic to loads of stuff. I'm not sure whether I'm allergic to the cotton flying about or whether invisible pollen accompanies it. It doesn't make much difference. When I see my home filling with cotton balls I know breathing difficulties aren't too far away.

Right now Dona Paula is very pretty though. 'Cotton fall' instead of snow fall :D

That time of the year?

Loads of cotton flying all over the house. Very pretty but also very dangerous. I've been feeling so sick the past few days. I think it started cos of the cat. N now its probably continuing cos of pollen or something. Well I can't do anything about the cotton/pollen, but the cat is sleeping alone :D

Monday, April 03, 2006

Being Cyrus and Taxi 9211

Friends were down the past few days. Watched Being Cyrus and Taxi 9211.

Being Cyrus was pretty good. It'd have been much better if I hadn't guessed the twist right at the start. Still for an Indian film it was great because though it was in English I never got the feeling I was watching an 'Indian' film. I'm not sure I can explain, but there are some movies, like monsoon wedding for example, where you are reminded at each and every step that it's an Indian movie made in English. With Being Cyrus I didn't even realise that it was in English. The story-telling grabbed you, not the language.

Taxi 9211 was also very good in a totally diff way. Both Nana Patekar and John Abraham were excellent. Great casting. The ending was really silly but i guess the director bowed down to mass culture. But if you just closed ur eyes for the last 5 mins you'd be able to walk away saying you've seen some really fine acting. They managed to make high drama seem believable.

And last but not least. I've never been a fan of either John Abraham or Saif Ali Khan. But they r both incredibly sexy in these movies. Saif specially, blew my mind.