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Monday, May 22, 2006


Two friends called today to say they had split with their respective partners. Another called to say a relationship seems to be taking its baby steps... What's it with love? People spend lifetimes debating whether God exists or not. A far more fascinating question in my book would be whether 'LOVE' exists. What exactly is love? Hormones, candidate-fulfils-desired-specifics-in-internal-list, the-need-to-be-needed, ....etc. The list of what 'love' could be, is very long. Almost everyone I know has a theory. Most people have 2. One theory they use when they actually are in 'love', the other when they are not.

I've felt this emotion called 'love' a couple of times. Looking back I can identify what are my 'triggers'. The qualities that make me 'fall in love'. Once it was because I found 'someone like me'. A guy who seemed to know me better than I knew myself. As almost anyone will testify, that's irresistible. The second time it was because I found a 'clean heart'. A really good soul. Or so I thought. Even when I stopped loving him I thought of him as a clean heart only to find out recently that I may have been wrong. Still, it helps me identify the second factor that attracts me to guys. A warm heart. Someone who will cry for the starving children in Africa if you remind him about them. Someone who believes it's an honour to be called 'friend'. An honour that sometimes, when the cause is worthy, must take precedence over 'love'.

I can understand and sympathise with people who fall in love because the person they love is 'special' and worth loving for n number of reasons, no matter how far-out. What I find hard to understand, is the capacity normal people have, to get the steps mixed up.

I've seen far too many relationships start off for all the wrong reasons. First they get into a relationship and then they fall in love. I'm sure everyone has come across relationships like that. Pick your favourite from the following:

  • Guy thinks girl is good looking enough and needs girl to impress the rest of his friends.
  • Girl thinks she'll be the coolest girl in her school for getting a guy before most girls have gotten their periods.
  • Girl thinks guy is suitable husband material and will impress folks back home.
  • Girl doesn't have enough cash and is not greedy enough to want a whole bunch of guys buying expensive gifts. One sucker is enough.
  • Girl/Guy is away from family and thinks a relationship would be a good idea.
  • Guy wants to be assured of a date to all the events around town.
  • Girl wants to be seen with rich boyfriend in/on expensive car/bike.
  • Girl wants to rub the noses of all her (pretend) friends in the dust by flaunting eligible ex-bachelor as her boyfriend.

    Many times these 'relationships' actually work. Though both parties may have fallen 'in' love for all the wrong reasons, they actually start loving each other and stay together. Sometimes they stay together just out of inertia of course. (But lets ignore those pathetic people)

    Even if both regret the relationship, there's no harm done. They can chalk it down to experience and go on their merry ways.

    What sucks (and I've seen it happening twice) is when the couple is 'in love' for the wrong reasons and only one person actually converts from "being in love" with the other to actually "loving" the other person. That sucks. That leaves you with a sour taste in your mouth and a hollow sensation that seems to be screaming out, "that's it?!?"

    To all my friends reading this. "Love is a wonderful thing. But it's not the only thing that makes life worthwhile."

    To my friend who keeps saying life is not worth anything now, who keeps wanting to get in a fight or hurt himself. "It hurts me when you say things like that. I know I can't understand or help with the pain you are going through but still, knowing that you consider me, all your other friends, your family and everything else in your life worthless is pretty painful."

    To each and everyone who ever reads this post. "Always love yourself. Always respect yourself. Never sell yourself short. Love will always change. It will grow or die. But never lose yourself in it so much that you feel you have nothing of value besides the relationship. Everyday do something that will increase your value outside the relationship. It doesn't have to be much. Give a hungry child 20 bucks. Call up a friend going through stressful times and give him/her a shoulder to lean on. Learn something new. Put in extra effort at work. Call your mom/dad and say I love you (tough one for me atleast). Then as you become a better person everyday you will find that you are a person worth knowing. A person worth loving. You can never guarantee that others will love you... but maybe, just maybe, this way you will learn to love yourself."


    Anonymous said...

    She does seem to know a lot about this four letter emotion ;>
    Karen, maybe u should start writing a book. I bet those pathetic souls will cause ur sales to skyrocket and that way u will be charging them for the advice u are giving.

    KD13 said...

    I believe in learning from others mistakes, so yes, I do know a lot abt 'this 4 letter emotion' [mostly second-hand tis true] ;)

    As for the book idea... hmmm... problem is no-one takes my wonderful advice even when it's free... how many do you think will pay for it? *hopeful expression*