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Friday, July 28, 2006


I have a friend who's gone through a rough patch lately. The problem is that a large part of his troubles were his own fault. I don't know if he realises that yet. Sometimes when I'm feeling particularly mean, I hope that he does. I hope he sees that the mess he's in, is his own damn fault. I hope that he'll stop blaming others and get on with his life. But at other times, like right now, when I'm calm and snug n happy, I'm forced to consider that maybe, just maybe he's not ready for that kind of responsibility just yet.

I've made mistakes. Lots of them. If I let myself remember each one, if I let myself realise just how much of what went wrong in the past is my own fault, I don't think I could function normally each day. The only way we carry on is by fooling ourselves. We tell ourselves we're good people, and maybe we are. Maybe we are just as good as everyone else. It doesn't alter the fact that most of us are probably not as good as we think we are.

At the other extreme are people who loathe themselves. Most of them eventually need psychiatric help just to function everyday. We're human, and we can't live a normal life when we're carrying guilt wrapped around us. So we're caught in a little circle. Not a vicious circle, merely a futile one.

To live out each day we must convince ourselves that we're in the right. We must make excuses for our worst deeds, tell ourselves 'I had no option', or 'I meant well'. To be human we must live out a horrible side of being human.

Maybe my friend is fooling himself. Maybe he'd be a better person if he 'faced up' and 'grew up' and 'took responsibility for his actions' and all the rest of the platitudes.
Maybe that applies to more than one person reading this. After all it definitely applies to me.

I think I'll be chicken at present and make a deal with myself. I'll try not to be a sanctimonious prig inside my head and I'll try not to think about how others don't measure up to my expectations until I do.

There's a book in the Shannara series, by Terry Brooks, called the First King of Shannara. In it, a sword gets it's power from the truth. I didn't understand that part the first time I read the book. I didn't care at that time. Now I'm older. The last time I read it I tried to pretend that I was the one wielding the sword. I tried to see the truth behind each of my actions. I stopped within five minutes. I don't know whether it's lack of courage or just plain self protection but I'm not ready for that kind of truth yet. Someday maybe I shall be. Until then all I can do is be human and accept others as human too. And now I watch my motives before I act, because now I know that if I don't, it'll only add to the secrets I'm hiding from.


Anonymous said...

Its true what you say. But if you try and analyze everything you do you'll find that you can't really do much. In trying to please everybody we can please nobody.

KD13 said...

I'm sure you've debated the whole thing in your mind before you decided to comment :D
And since you left your name you're probably hoping I'll disagree so we can have another one of our famous arguments.

here goes... I'm not sure if your comment even applies and if applicable if it's right or wrong cos it's been some days n I'm not going to re-read what I wrote.