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Wednesday, February 24, 2010

2010 so far...

2010 has been a revelation to me. It started with a bang. I had a blast but I also saw some things I did not want to see. Looking back at the year so far there have been three defining incidents.

First, I met a guy I once loved and was amazed by how indifferent I felt. I poked and prodded at my memories.... trying to remember the feelings I once had. Trying to recapture the glow. All to no avail. I've grown and changed. And so has he. And maybe that's the best answer to all those who say its best to fall in love and settle down at a young age. Yes, it's definitely easier to adjust. Yes, we are definitely not so rigid and fixed. But what if we do settle down... say at the ripe old age of 21 (that's how old I was when I loved that guy). And then say some years pass... and we grow and we discover that we have grown into two very different people....

A friend of mine argues that when you really care for someone you will both grow together.. but then... what of growing individually? If I was with him, would I have ever read Kahil Gibran, would I have learnt that I love upma and hate dosas, would I have learnt that beer only tastes good if you're dying of thirst..

Isn't it better that I learnt who I am and what I stand for before I set out to find my other half?

Who knows...

Hmm... what next...

I guess the next incident was falling sick. For the first time I felt cared for by someone other than family. And it felt good, though it only served to underscore the unmet expectations I've been carrying around.

Also my illness resulted in a looong visit from my dad. And somehow, without realising it, that looong visit taught me something important. It made me realise how much I valued something that had become such a part of my life that I was taking it for granted.

And still... still I remained blind.

The third incident was actually a series of incidents leading upto and beyond Valentine's day.

Someone I thought was my friend lied to me. And in such a way that it now makes me think back and wonder how many times he'd lied before. The tragedy of it was that the lies were all so unnecessary. What was the point? Did he do it for material profit? Maybe. Overall I'm about 20000 bucks poorer for that experience. But it was worth every penny to see the truth.
It doesn't hurt me, or at least I think it does not hurt me. Maybe I'm still in shock. Oh well, I wish I could say I've learnt my lesson and I will never trust someone like that again. I tried. I did try to stay bitter and distrusting. But then someone walked into my life. And taught me to trust him. I did not want to get close to him. But everytime I turned around he was there for me. How could I not learn to depend on him. I tried so hard to maintain a wall. But somehow, I don't know how, he got inside it.

Today I'm scared, but happy. Hurt, but joyful. I lost a fake friend, but thats the kind of loss that should be celebrated. I found someone precious, but thats the kind of joy that often brings pain.

So here I am once again. It's a new year. But the same old me. Once again I'm throwing myself off a cliff hoping I'll learn to fly. So what if I've crashed everytime till date. You only need to learn to fly once.