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Tuesday, February 28, 2012

Statutory Warning: Drama Ahead - Please do NOT read if you are a practical, prosaic person (unless you want to know how others live).

Today, after years I felt the urge to cut myself. For those hearing about this for the first time - please don't panic. I am not suicidal, neither am I intent on harming myself - I just hate the fact that I have no self control at times. For me, a little cut on my pinky finger used to be a great way of putting any "emotional" pain I was feeling into context.

Like I said, it's been years - so what made me slip today?

-Lack of self control
-Getting too caught up in my dreams (the real deal - not day dreams)
-The inability to believe the evidence of my fucking senses. I believed that I was practical enough and tough enough to have learned that there's no use banging my head against the wall. Much better to climb over it or find another route.

And yet today, like a sap, I gave in to this child inside me. The softie that is a sucker for a beating. The imbecile who makes the same mistake again and again. The absolute dolt...that just does not learn.

But... if for no other reason than to not let scorpions across the world down I will dig deep. I will find the anger and the wrath that can get me out of this soup, and I WILL NOT BANG MY HEAD AGAINST THIS FUCKING WALL AGAIN.



Anonymous said...

Dare I ask - did i help? - KVN