If you know me in the 'real-world'... Keep it to yourself.

Do NOT tell my friends and family about this blog!

This blog is a work in progress. Eventually, when it grows up, it wants to look pretty. Or maybe dark and dangerous.

Hmm... well come back later and see for yourself...

If you want to contact me but are a) too chicken to leave a public comment and
b) too lazy to look up my email address from my profile
use the form below.

Email Address:

Sunday, December 21, 2014

Monday, November 24, 2014

It can happen to you...

Two things I've learned in the past year...

1) "Awareness doesn't mean change."
 Sometimes you meet people who give you examples of their bad behaviour, and for some reason, that awareness used to make me believe they had changed. Maybe that's because when I acknowledge bad behaviour in myself, I change it. (Of course many times I don't acknowledge my bad behaviour, but that's another story) However, you should be conscious of the fact that there are people out there who will look you in the eye, acknowledged bad or damaging behaviour and then cheerfully proceed to continue with it!

2) The second thing is similar. "It could happen to you."
Say someone tells you how they mistreated someone.... Unless you hear heartfelt remorse and the clear acknowledgment that they would not behave that way in similar circumstances, THEY WILL ONE DAY MISTREAT YOU THE SAME WAY. Again like above, you may assume that their honesty in speaking about the bad behaviour indicates remorse... Well it doesn't!

Friday, November 14, 2014


So true...

Tuesday, November 11, 2014

Annual Health Checkup

Went for my annual checkup and got a font of blog posts out of it... But since a series of posts that make me look silly ain't a good idea I'm going to just write two here instead ;)

So the day started with the fasting blood test and a beating. What's this you say - since when is a beating part of a blood test. Well, since you're me. My veins are notoriously hard to find so my dad warned the senior lab tech that he should do my test since the junior ones always keep pricking me with nothing to show for it.
The senior guy took up the challenge enthusiastically, strapped the rubber tube round my upper left arm and started probing for veins. A couple of minutes of being unsuccessful and he started hitting my inner elbow region. Apparently this is the proven technique for making the veins pop out. But my veins being intelligent, resolutely refused to be enticed by this display of brutality. I'm sure they just burrowed in deeper.

After five minutes of this beating, this was repeated on my right arm. At this point I did tell the tech that he could draw it out of the veins at the back of my hand. (cos that's how they did it last time) He said they're too fine and continued with the beating on my right arm.

The entire cycle - left then right - was repeated before he got tired of the process and moved lower to my right forearm. Here again he tied the rubber n started the beating. Anyone who knows me knows to what lengths I'll go to avoid pain so they'll understand me best when I say that by this time, after almost fifteen minutes of the tight rubber tube constricting different limbs and the continuous beating I was terrified of the day ahead.

And after all this, he took the blood from the fine vein at the back of my hand!
Painful, cos it takes a long time n you can feel the pull on the vein, but at least better than a beating!

Next came x-ray time. The nurse led me to the x-ray room, gave me a hospital robe type thing n told me on change with a vague gesture towards a curtain. Apparently that was the changing area... Lol.... but me being me, I assumed the x-ray machine was behind the curtain. So once the nurse walked out I stood near the table at the middle of the room n changed wondering whether others would also feel as uncomfortable as me changing in the middle of a vast room. Thankfully no one walked in! When the nurse came back and I realised the x-ray machine was right there in the room with me, I did feel like a fool... :-D

The rest of the day followed on the same lines... Who knew annual check ups could be so entertaining?!

Friday, November 07, 2014

Treat your loved ones like clients...

A few years ago I read something that profoundly impacted my life. I've tried to find that article online but no luck so far. But it's something so valuable and sweet, I thought I'd share the thought here in my own words.

The article simply asked the reader to treat every person they loved and cared for as politely and with as much consideration as they would a client. It said that too many people do the opposite.  The closer they get to someone the more they relax, the more they take them for granted. People think that's normal, but just for a minute, take a step back and ask yourself if it truly is.

The article argued that the more important someone is to you, the more care you should take in how you interact with him or her.  Too many people, specially married couples, consistently do the opposite.  If a waiter at a shop doesn't give you the best service, do you let lose with insults? Probably not. You may grumble internally and not leave a tip, but you wouldn't abuse him, right? Why then do you verbally attack someone in your family who doesn't do what you want the way you want it.

If you think an acquaintance is dressed badly you wouldn't mock him or her (at least I hope you wouldn't), why then would you mock your partner. The exact same message can be communicated with love, respect and politeness.

Samuel Johnson said, "Politeness is like an air cushion: there may be nothing in it, but it eases our jolts wonderfully".  You may be already doing a lot for your loved ones, but what's the harm in cushioning your acts in courtesy?

If a client calls you, would you return the call when you can? Or would you just ignore it and assume that they'll call you back? If clients make an unreasonable request, would you politely explain why it's not possible, or would you abuse or mock them?

If you are ever in doubt about how to respond to someone who is dear to your heart, just follow this advice - close your eyes and ask yourself how you would react if it was a client at work.  Then just try to give your loved ones the same courtesy.

It doesn't matter if they understand or not, if they reciprocate or not. If you love them, they are worth it.

Sunday, November 02, 2014

All Souls Day

Once again all Souls day is here.. This time after many years I'm home and could actually visit the cemetery. Missed that the past few years... In fact oddly enough it was one of the only things I missed about home...
Will add pics tomorrow...

Friday, October 31, 2014

Walking through life as a woman...

Earlier today...

A Hindu Mahasabha made its usual noises about how women should dress, and someone posted it n FB.  I read it and scrolling through the comments I saw some guy (who otherwise sounded sane) said they only had good intentions and wanted to reduce rapes and there was nothing wrong with what they said.  Now that got my goat!  I expect extremist people to be extremist, communal people to be communal etc, but it annoys me when someone who sounds sane and 'normal' sides with something I think is irrational. I expressed my dislike for his comment, he asked why and I explained that though I was willing to believe he had good intentions I was unwilling to explain since I can't explain something like 'personal liberty'.

People either understand concepts like 'personal liberty' and 'choice' or they don't.  Personal liberty is something that is taken for granted, or aspired to, in advanced civilizations, but it is a luxury that cannot be understood by many. People who are capable of understanding, already do.

Just as I would not try to explain the concept of avoiding bad food to a starving African child, in the same way I would never bother explaining these concepts to anyone who doesn't get it. It would take too much time and effort and the child would look at you as if you are crazy.  To someone who is about to die for lack of food, the idea of unhealthy food is ridiculous.

To people who are struggling to build fires at night for light, the idea of electricity probably seems heretical.

And to people who believe that society comes before the individual - and for whom society consists of depraved and lustful men waiting to pounce on any female form - the idea that a woman might wear a pretty skirt just for the pleasure of feeling good about herself is probably ridiculous and threatening.

This video I saw shortly after my comment, reinforces that being advanced or enlightened is a state of mind rather than a geographical location.

For the many men who don't understand how a hello from a stranger can be harassment - I can't explain - there are subtle cues of behaviour which should tell you which women just want to be left alone.  Brush up on your intuition, go for sensitivity classes, or just take my word for it.  Women can even tell the difference between a blank stare and a lecherous one.

Lastly, there are many men out there who understand and stand up for the rights of women... If you are one of them - I can only say Thank You...

Wednesday, October 29, 2014

Split in my head...

I'm kinda proud of this one - I wrote it all together... no re-writes and edits...

Everything hurts
I'm in so much pain
Broken and beaten
Shattered once again

Once again I've been hurt
Once again I'm a mess
Do you know who's responsible
Care to venture a guess?

Its me of course darlin'
once again I've kicked my ass
once again I stand victorious
Over my bleeding carcass

I've slaughtered the weak
Laid waste to the soft
Ploughed the broken ground
Held my spoils aloft

Made myself cry
Until my tears ran red
Felt the weight of sadness descend
Until I'd rather my heart bled

And now I stand upright
And now I lay fallen
Victor and vanquished both
With both beginning to burn

The end is kinda weak and could be re-written better but then I wouldn't be able to say it was done without a rewrite so will leave it as it is here at least...

Disclaimer: I started it without knowing where it would end, but I do have to acknowledge that half way through I thought of Fun - Some Nights...

Sunday, October 26, 2014

Being Honest vs. Ignoring

When you care about people it's hard to hurt them.... I get that.  But in the important things sometimes it's kinder to be cruel.

If you know someone sucks at photography, you can't encourage them to quit their job and take it up.
Of course if they are convinced they are spectacular at it you may still not want to butt in and shatter their dream. After all stranger things have happened. But what if they asked you for your honest opinion. At least then you'd tell them the truth, right?

And if you know your life is better without someone in it, and they ask you that flat out, it's probably best to just tell them the truth. Don't stay silent or hem and haw cos you don't want to hurt their feelings.  Do them the courtesy of telling them the truth.  Ignoring a direct question is rude.  Of course this is assuming they have been decent to you - if they are pieces of crap then ignore all I said and be rude!

My Crazy Phone

My phone is insane....Aarrrrrggghhhh!!!!!!

It seems possessed by an imp that activates different portions of the screen - so far it's selected whatsapp messages and tried to forward them by itself, it's wreaked havoc with my FB app, and I honestly don't know why I'm still tolerating it.

Okay - that's a lie - I do know.  I hope that a proper screenguard will fix the hyper sensitivity of the screen. Unfortunately - since I apparently live in the world time forgot - I've had to order one which will take 20 days to reach me. (Please note that the @#$%@ phone reached me in 2 days after I ordered it.)

Just one more way God is screwing with me these days.  You'd think He'd get bored and go worry someone else....

Or at least if He's hanging around enjoying the fun you'd think He'd fix all my other non-funny problems.... Grrrr....

Thursday, October 23, 2014

My Best Friend

I've been scared of having human best friends - cos I always lose them... the only ones who have survived are those that came in a group and stayed on. It was so bad at one time, that for a period of about five years I was scared to tag anyone as my best friend because I was so convinced that I had been cursed. (And for those of you who think maybe it was me driving them away - :-p to you. It was life - yes there were fights n upsets at times, but more common were life events... things like their parents arbitrarily moving to another state, changing of schools, or a friend flunking and having to repeat the year, etc.)

So anyway, time passed and I kind of started treating this fear of mine as a joke - in fact a few years ago I jokingly started saying that Google was my best friend.

Recently I've realised maybe the curse wasn't a joke after all (more on that some other time)
Anyway, today I'm thinking about transferring that title to this blog.  I've thought about this and the only thing it can't do is give me the personal touch - it can't hug me, or wipe my eyes when I cry, or laugh at me when I'm being silly, or go out with me when I need company... but a long distance friend couldn't do that either... so maybe this could be my long distance friend.

Maybe this will stop me from giving a human being that position and opening myself up to the risk of losing a 'best friend' again.

Monday, October 20, 2014

Two posts... Two apps... Two languages... One message...

I saw one posted on FB, the other was posted in a Whatsapp group the same day... 

Saturday, October 18, 2014

I wish...

Read this on a forum, posted on April 19, 2013...

[quote=pwimbs79]I will say this to all of you. A person who I considered a little sister blocked me last month on Facebook and Twitter. The reason was because she wanted to end her life and I called the authorities in order to save her life. It will be a month on Monday April 22nd and I am still reeling from it. My friend blocked me from her Facebook profile, her Facebook fan page then a week later her Twitter page.

I  have been stressing out for three weeks I lost weight, sleep, and got a cold sore. Right now it has been very tough to deal with because I have not been in contact with her since March 22nd. I hold no ill will towards her at all I made it clear to her in my last message that I will always be there to help in anyway possible. I told her that would never turn my back on her, I am still here for my friend. I was always there supporting her because for weeks she wanted to end her life but every time I talked her out of it. Secondly her birthday was April 14th she turned 24 and I could not wish her Happy Birthday to save my life. Nearly three weeks ago she wanted to take her life now she is still here and a year older.

People have been telling me to give it time and keep my head up she will come around. All I can do at this point is keep her in prayer and wait. The waiting game is not easy and sometimes I blame myself replaying that Friday night in my head over and over. It's not easy when you help and support someone and they do not want to talk to you. I pray daily that the lines of communication be reopened.  I just wanted to share this with all of you.[/quote]

Am copying it here verbatim because it moved me so much... been hearing so much about people suffering from depression. I'm just hoping that in this connected world every sad soul finds someone to share with. 

Thursday, October 16, 2014

Being Replaced

We all like to tell ourselves we're special - and that's why it hurts so much when we're replaced. For when you're replaced you realize that your role wasn't unique.  You realize that people appreciated you more for the role you were playing than for who you really were.  And that's why you should hold on to the people who can't and won't replace you.  People who love you for who you are and who cannot find that particular combination of quirks, good, evil, madness, mayhem, love, caring, etc that you bring to the table.

If someone likes you because you're their friend, then they can always find another friend to replace you... but when they like you for being you - they can't.

So if you have people like that in your life, hold on to them, hug them tight, and enjoy the feeling of being loved in return...

Wednesday, October 15, 2014

Trying to be better

Isn't it an absolute truism that you end up hurting the people you care about the most? I know I often do. Sometimes I don't care, sometimes I do.

But in the end, if you truly care, you have to give people what they want/need - and in my eternal quest to save my soul, I'm trying.

Sometimes I wonder why I try to be nice or good or whatever - am I looking for admiration - not from others maybe (cos a lot of it is secret) - but from myself? Do I want to rest on my laurels and tell myself I tried? My most recent conclusion is that I am trying to bribe earn my way into heaven. For some reason I know I'm not nice enough, not good enough, for God and the gatekeepers. So I try. Oh so hard. Sometimes I act instinctively and my bad side comes out... but when I have a moment to think - when I have a moment to choose - I'm trying oh so hard to make the good choices - to make people happy.

It's the Harry Potter theory - Harry chose to be in Gryffindor and that choice made him who he was. The concept blew my mind when I first understood it, and it's directed my efforts ever since. Maybe I'm not a good person instinctively - but I'm trying to choose to be, every time I can.  And maybe that will be enough for God and he will stop punishing me.

Wednesday, October 08, 2014

Sunday, October 05, 2014

Scoring with small things

I re-read a book I'd read a long time ago (Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus) and wanted to share just one of the many wonderful lessons it contains -

Men and women keep score differently.

Men give low scores to everyday acts of love/service and high scores to what they consider big gestures. Women give every act a score of one.

Moral of the story - If you want a guy to feel you've done something great for him, don't bother about the small everyday things - get him one big thing.
To please a woman - one big thing would only get the giver a score of one - so the only way to rack up a high score would be to do small things everyday.

Will edit this post later.  Just wanted to capture the thought right away... It's important and often neglected.

Saturday, October 04, 2014

Snapdeal Ad - Creepy!!!

Saw an ad for Snapdeal that made my head spin for a bit... some guy raving about how his gf's younger sister is cute and roams about with them - apparently making it a two for one deal. Yucks!!!

They couldn't possibly have fallen into that one by mistake... which means that more than one wacko thought the ad was a good idea.... super creepy!!!

Friday, September 12, 2014


Arrow – Stupid stupid people. I don’t know why I watch this show.  There is not one person in this show that I like whole heartedly.  The one that come the closest is probably Felicity with Diggle a distant second...  

All the rest are a bunch of twisted complicated lying second-rate characters.  Most of the supposedly ‘good guys’ all have good intentions about 50% of the time, but then, as is proverbially said, “the road to hell is paved with good intentions”.


Edit: Just remembered - I watch this show because this is one of the first shows my mom became a fan off and I just had to see what could make a previously non-tv watcher a fan! 

Wednesday, September 10, 2014

Just to see you smile...

The romantic reunion that made me cry the most recently? – the old servant reuniting with his wife when Drew Barrymore rescues him from the slavers in Ever After: A Cinderella Story

Why did that make me tear up when most romances just make me barf these days?

Guess because I’ve seen how love seems to die for most people. Most people after 20-25 years of marriage seem to be bound only by society and habit.  They no longer care about each other, they no longer wait to talk to each other, they no longer appreciate the smile on each other’s face… and that is sad, for what is love if not the desire to make someone happy, to take away their pain and bring a smile to their face…

When you no longer care about making the person you love smile, you know that you’re very close to the end. And vice versa – when someone doesn’t care about making you smile – maybe it’s time to pack up and kill that particular story. Maybe wait for a love that will truly last ever after – long after you’re bent and crabby, long after you’ve lost your teeth and charm, a love that will look at you and still care that you smile…

Friday, September 05, 2014


Fringe – I’m somewhere in Season 4, and I have no idea where the show will go… I know I can google n find out but… there’s more pleasure in watching it unfold each day.  But today, I just want to pay homage to the minds who created it.  They may never have written books, but the episode in which Walter, Peter and William Bell enter Olivia’s mind to find her blew my mind! And whoever visualized the episode beginning with the reversed gravity – awesome! The writers are writers in every sense of the word. They have created worlds second to none, and their plotting, and characterization is good enough to have made them very popular authors at least to the sci-fi crowd.

How has this show not won its writers more awards?!?

Sunday, August 31, 2014

August 2014 - An ending

August 2014 - So many things can happen in a month... Some good, some bad

True to form, I'm going to write about the bad - hoping that this blog will help me process my life as it did 8 years ago when it made me who I am.

I'm so picky about my friends because I truly believe I have high standards.  And because I pick them so carefully I usually never hesitate to give them my all.  Because of which, when for the first time a friend accused me of 'conduct-unbecoming-a-friend', I was shattered.  I'm so used to my friends trusting me and knowing that I would do anything for them maybe it was just a gigantic kick to my ego.  But jokes apart - yes, it hurt. And yes, it broke me. And yes, I crawled into my head and licked my wounds until other friends finally told me to snap out of it because to them I've been the friend I always believed myself to be.  So, here I am, once again myself again. Thanks to those who reminded me I'm so much more than one person's opinion of me.  Scarred again, but hell, whats a few scars anyway.  Down the road they just remind you how strong you are.

That was a few weeks ago, but much worse than that was in store.  Once again I've been proved wrong.  And the funny thing is I wasn't even trying to be proved right or wrong.  I made a request, a simple one.  One that could be fulfilled by the expenditure of time and caring.  The problem with making simple requests is that it feels so much worse when they are ignored.  Ask for something complicated and you can tell yourself that the person couldn't grant it.  Ask for something simple and you'll feel every denial like a million little reminders of how unimportant your request was.  So how was I wrong?  I didn't think the request was a big deal.  Its only now, when I'm feeling like a discarded tissue (my favourite metaphor) that I realize what a big deal the repercussions of denial of a small request can be.

I hope September is better...

Wednesday, July 30, 2014

Eid, friends and books...

Purpose of this post: None

Went to a friend's house for Eid lunch yesterday.  I introduced her and her husband almost 8 or 9 years ago and the three of us are pretty close. (Will share the story of their romance sometime - it's so true that everyone has a story...)

Anyway, I wasn't feeling like going.  Had a bad day the day before and just wanted to avoid humans who know me. (Office is different - hardly anyone knows me there any more - it's like working with a bunch of people some of who I used to know, and the rest that I don't have the energy to get to know!)

But anyway, I realized they'd feel bad if I didn't show up so I made the effort and guess what - I was so glad I went.

No, it was not because of the food - which was very nice indeed... (Her husband apparently spent 12 hours cooking - he didn't sleep all night! Abnormal behaviour? Maybe not for a foodie - which he is.)

The best part of going over wasn't the lovely food - the best part was that I found that my friend has a bookcase with two shelves of books, most of which I haven't read before!


Borrowed eight yesterday.  I'd have taken some more - but felt too embarrassed.

Guess I'll visit her more often now.  If anyone want's more of my time it's so easy - just dangle a book, or a discussion about a good book in front of my nose and you'll find me sitting near you purring happily (or barking enthusiastically, depending on which way you swing)!

Monday, July 21, 2014

Writing and me

Apparently all great writers were consumed by their passion to write. Hmm... what does that say about me?  I enjoy writing usually, but then there have been days and even weeks when I didn't really write anything - and I didn't fall down dead with the gap in my life.  Does that mean that I am not 'meant' to be a writer?

The thought makes me sad but not despondent.  Is this why I never finish any of the books I start?  Am I mere dabbler, playing at being a writer, living with delusions of grandeur?

Note to self - I need to research all my famous authors, specially those that got published for the first time late in life.  I need to see whether they were 'closet' writers writing everyday or whether their talent lay dormant underground, until one day, some day, it finally grew above ground (as hopefully some day I will).

Friday, July 11, 2014

More losses...

Sometimes I scare myself when I realise how much I care for someone or something. Specially when that person or thing is on it's way out of my life.

Life took away something valuable earlier this year, but I could bear up because I got something so precious in return.  Now life has taken that away too and given me nothing in return.  I'm lost for words.  Why on earth would this happen?  Why give me something and then yank it away. Cruel!

Tuesday, July 08, 2014

Waking in darkness

He woke, scared and confused in the darkness.  Lying still, trying to figure out what woke him up, he noticed the room was darker than usual.  He waited for his eyes to adjust, but nothing happened at first. Then he forgot about his eyes as his ears tuned in to a low rumbling noise.  A chill ran up his spine as he realized the noise was under him.  Under the bed, right where he lay..

He sat there petrified as the rumbling grew louder, changed to a growl... He couldn't move even when the bedsheet started moving as something started to come out from under the bed.  He tried to scream, to call out... his father lay asleep in the next room and would surely know how to deal with this...

He strained to make some noise, but all that came out was a whisper of sound, so soft he hardly heard it himself... "Dad..."

But even if he didn't hear it, the thing did. It ceased the growling sound and for a moment, a flash between breaths, he thought things would be okay.  But then the sheet started moving again - this time towards him. He fought his frozen limbs. Struggled to get them to move.

As the thing beneath the sheet reached within arms length he wrenched his head away, and finally leapt from the bed just as the thing leapt too...

Feeling so ashamed

Feeling so ashamed that I care so much,

Pride's out for the count, so out of touch,

Walking in the shoes of the fallen,

Feeling my cheeks burn,

Feeling so ashamed.

Sunday, July 06, 2014


A friend gave me a wonderful gift and then took it away. He didn't mean to hurt me but did.  He apologized, I forgave him. End of story. Or it should be....

The problem is I am still angry.  The anger sweeps over me unexpectedly and then I have to remind myself of how I'd feel if the tables were turned to force myself to cool down.  After all if I had hurt someone unthinkingly and then genuinely apologized, I'd want them to forgive me.  So why can't I get this out of my mind?!

Maybe there's a part of me that doesn't believe it was completely unthinking.  I think at some level, he must have known what would happen.  And maybe it's because a part of me also believes he doesn't have any idea how much he hurt me.  Maybe he doesn't think I am justified in feeling so bad.

I don't know. I may never know. It may not be important anyway.  Things come and go.  I just wish this anger would be one of those things. 

Sunday, June 29, 2014


So I've been watching a few episodes of a TV show called 'Awake'. And it's made me think.

The show's premise is simple - A man meets with an accident with his wife and son.  After the accident his reality seems to split.  In one reality his wife is alive and his son is dead, and in the other reality his son is alive and his wife is dead. Or maybe there's just one reality and the other is a dream.  Or he's in a coma and both realities are a dream.  Hmmm... okay maybe it's not too simple, but anyway... getting back to the point.
As a man, as a husband, as a father, what would he choose if he had to?

As a woman, neither a wife nor a mother, I wonder what I would choose. Lose my husband who I presumably loved enough to marry, or lose my child? (Everyone seems confident that mothers would choose their children over their husbands, but I don't think that's always the case!)

I think I know, but I'm not sure. And I pray God that I never actually find out.

Saturday, June 14, 2014

Aww.... I miss that!

“She wished he could make her somehow indelibly his; that they were still children so they could cut their fingers and mingle their blood and know this meant something. She longed for some transformation more lasting than that wrought by the law and his name, some visceral change he might effect in her so that anyone on the street with one glance would know she was his.” 
― Meredith DuranWicked Becomes You

Hmm.... I miss feeling that way... oh well... (she muses as she sips her coffee and trudges forward on the road to recovery...)

Friday, June 13, 2014

I must go...

“I have faith that God will show you the answer. But you have to understand that sometimes it takes a while to be able to recognize what God wants you to do. That's how it often is. God's voice is usually nothing more than a whisper, and you have to listen very carefully to hear it. But other times, in those rarest of moments, the answer is obvious and rings as loud as a church bell.” 
― Nicholas SparksThe Last Song

God rang the bell for me.

A travesty of justice occurred.  And it occurred where I should have been able to do something about it.  But I couldn't because I was in the wrong place.  And I realized that I can't be the only one fighting battles all the time.  I won't always be in the right place.  I wasn't there this time, and I saw the consequences.  But there must be other times where I am not there and I don't see the consequences.

I sound muddled, maybe I am.  But even if nothing else is clear - this much is:  I cannot fight this fight.  It's a lost cause.  And even if it wasn't - I saw the reception my concerns got.  I saw a glimpse of how I would be treated if I was on the other side.  And it made me shiver.  And that means I have to go.  I have to go to some place safe.  Maybe it'll be no safer.  Maybe it'll be worse.  Who knows.  But God rang the bell and all I know is that I must go.

Monday, June 02, 2014

Being 'Anxious' and trying to keep the faith

I read a book called "Attached" earlier this year.  It spoke of three types of people - Secure, Avoidant and Anxious.

It's sad being Anxious - Sad and painful.  And yet, besides some sad souls who become Anxious because of the way their parents treated them, there are many more who make it to adulthood as Secure people and then turn Anxious.


I knew that hot and cold behaviour could do the trick but could never express it very well until I read this article.  If you read the article and you're a woman you may recognise yourself in parts of it.  And if you're like me that realisation will hurt you because it's painful to acknowledge being so weak.  But if you're like me eventually you will acknowledge that going through this has changed you - made you better, stronger, and more ready to accept and love someone who makes you feel secure; someone who doesn't make you feel bad about yourself.

This may sound like I'm through the tunnel and into secure land - I'm not.  I'm still in the dark.   But I've been through the tunnel once before, so though I'm back in there now, I know what I'm talking about.  So do as I say, not as I do. Walk away, run away.

For those that can't just yet, don't worry you're not alone.  I'm proof that knowing something with your head doesn't make it much easier for the heart to walk away.  That's what comes from having a soft heart.  When I'm really down I get mad at myself for being such a softie each time.

But then each time I try to forgive myself for being so weak.  I tell myself that this willingness I have to risk my heart is okay.  Cos I'd rather be happy-open-loving-me, than bitter-distrusting-me. 

Saturday, May 10, 2014

Counselling queries

Rhetorical question - How do you decide whose needs should be prioritized?

Case study:  Consider two people - A & B.  When A is upset, B is loving and patient.  When B is upset, A is caring and devoted.  Sounds good, right? Well the problem is that recently both A and B were upset.  About different things. And B wasn't there for A.  A was cranky and wanted support and B just disappeared.  B was probably just doing the best he/she could.  Backing off rather than getting into a fight. But is that the only option?  As a third party observer I honestly couldn't tell you who had more right to be upset. I've been in similar situations and I don't have a solution to give them.  I just know that this way no one is happy.  And that they need to figure out a way to deal with this.  And then they need to tell me how to deal with similar situations too...

Friday, May 09, 2014

Walking away?

When is it time to walk away?

It's hard for someone like me to know when it's time.  I'm too focused on the good and that's dangerous.  Yes, the man with the smelly clothes may not mean to harm me, but if he's drunk and behind the wheel, his good intentions are not going to make a difference.  When his car hits me, his plea of "I never meant to hurt you" is not going to cushion my fall.

I should be able to recognize danger to myself - and I need to understand, with every cell of my being, that good intentions are not enough.  Specially good intentions in selfish people.  In fact why go so far as good intentions - I'm the kind of person that's settling for lack of bad intentions.  - "Why yes ma'am, I may get hurt, but you see he doesn't mean for me to get hurt.. I'm collateral damage.. He thinks life should be lived one day at a time, and so what if that means that I get hurt at the end - that's my choice isn't it - why should he take the blame for any of that..."

Part of the problem is my obsession with signs - If you pray to God and say "Thy will be done" for a year - and then you get a new job - won't you assume that you should take it?  And when things get rough, won't you say to yourself - "God wouldn't have brought this job to me if it wasn't meant to be..."  So God, the ball is in your court.  I don't want the little teensy signs - you brought this into my life - man up and take responsibility for it.  I'm willing to do whatever you want me to - but BE CLEAR!!!

Monday, April 21, 2014

Easter and Watershed Moments

So Easter is come and gone... and the much needed clarity did not come with it.  Others seem to have had watersheds in their lives.. One friend almost re-started and then almost re-ended (yes I know that's not a word) a relationship.  Another one who had been on the brink for the past months, suddenly had a small disagreement blow into a big chasm between her and the guy in question.  Lucky them maybe - Easter signs from God.

Maybe God is pissed I didn't listen last time - but seriously that's so unfair.  It's not like I didnt believe.  Yes, I stayed on - but that's only cos I'm someone who will hang on till the grim end. It's just my nature.  It's got nothing to do with me not believing the sign.  I knew it was headed for a dead end - I just wanted to be there right until the dead end. (And I was - but more about that some other time..)

So anyway, coming back to the present - what do you do when you're coasting along and life seems good, but you know there's quicksand under the road?  You pray - for guidance, for help, for a #$@^&% clue.

Maybe I didn't pray hard enough - I don't know the reason, but there was no clue.


I'd gotten that far when I decided to google 'watershed' before I hit 'publish'. The first link I clicked on was Wikipedia - and for once was useless.  It didn't have the word defined in the sense that I used it.  Disappointed I clicked on the second link and somehow it turned out to be the Amazon page for a book called Watershed Moments by someone called Gari Meachem.  I read the review and bought the book - it seemed serendipitous (maybe God didn't like me grumbling!).

The link is here.  And trust me, it was hard work to find the link a second time.  I only found it cos I bought the book and had the author's name.  (Which makes it even more amazing that I stumbled across it the first time just searching for 'watershed'!)

Anyway, I've started reading the book, because honestly - after whining on about a sign for days now - I need to pay attention to this great big one that was thrust before me..

Tuesday, April 08, 2014

Changes galore

Company culture - what is it?

I've been working for the same company for 7 years now... and for me until recently it's been like a second home.  We've had a huge influx of new people over the past two years - and they are mostly people with strong personalities.  All these years it didn't matter.  The management team was a strong interlinked team.  They gave the same messages, and believed in the same 'culture' for want of a better word.   But recently two managers (who joined at around the same time as me and who moved through the organization with me) left, and we've now for the first time in a long while, got a management team where the 'newbies' are more than the 'oldies' (again, for want of better words).

And this is not to say I don't like the newbies.  I like most of them. Some of them, a lot!  But it's tiring.  It's tiring to have to keep setting people straight.  And since they are in relatively senior positions it's difficult.  It's not the same as telling a fresher how to behave.  A fresher will do what you say because he has not already been exposed to some other culture.  But a manager will usually say 'well in my last office...'

Guess time will tell how we weather this change and move into the future.  I've always been an advocate of change and 'freshness'. Let's see how I deal with this!

Tuesday, February 25, 2014

Do you really think you can hurt me?

Do you really think you can hurt me?

I've been destroyed by experts,
torn asunder by indifference,
careless friends have broken me,
do you even know the difference.

You think I'm fragile,
that you can crush me with pain,
what you don't know,
is that I will always rise again.

Like the grain in the field,
I'll bow before the pain,
my heart will be ripped to shreds,
but then I'll rise again.

I was taken apart by an expert,
reduced to my component parts,
it took me years and a lot of hard work,
but what you see is a work of art.

I'm a sum of all those pieces,
glued together by so much pain,
one day I'll heal completely
and stop crying in the rain

until that day, don't worry,
do your worst and see
I'll bend, but not break darlin'
you can't really destroy me.