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Monday, June 02, 2014

Being 'Anxious' and trying to keep the faith

I read a book called "Attached" earlier this year.  It spoke of three types of people - Secure, Avoidant and Anxious.

It's sad being Anxious - Sad and painful.  And yet, besides some sad souls who become Anxious because of the way their parents treated them, there are many more who make it to adulthood as Secure people and then turn Anxious.


I knew that hot and cold behaviour could do the trick but could never express it very well until I read this article.  If you read the article and you're a woman you may recognise yourself in parts of it.  And if you're like me that realisation will hurt you because it's painful to acknowledge being so weak.  But if you're like me eventually you will acknowledge that going through this has changed you - made you better, stronger, and more ready to accept and love someone who makes you feel secure; someone who doesn't make you feel bad about yourself.

This may sound like I'm through the tunnel and into secure land - I'm not.  I'm still in the dark.   But I've been through the tunnel once before, so though I'm back in there now, I know what I'm talking about.  So do as I say, not as I do. Walk away, run away.

For those that can't just yet, don't worry you're not alone.  I'm proof that knowing something with your head doesn't make it much easier for the heart to walk away.  That's what comes from having a soft heart.  When I'm really down I get mad at myself for being such a softie each time.

But then each time I try to forgive myself for being so weak.  I tell myself that this willingness I have to risk my heart is okay.  Cos I'd rather be happy-open-loving-me, than bitter-distrusting-me.