If you know me in the 'real-world'... Keep it to yourself.

Do NOT tell my friends and family about this blog!

This blog is a work in progress. Eventually, when it grows up, it wants to look pretty. Or maybe dark and dangerous.

Hmm... well come back later and see for yourself...

If you want to contact me but are a) too chicken to leave a public comment and
b) too lazy to look up my email address from my profile
use the form below.

Email Address:

Wednesday, October 15, 2014

Trying to be better

Isn't it an absolute truism that you end up hurting the people you care about the most? I know I often do. Sometimes I don't care, sometimes I do.

But in the end, if you truly care, you have to give people what they want/need - and in my eternal quest to save my soul, I'm trying.

Sometimes I wonder why I try to be nice or good or whatever - am I looking for admiration - not from others maybe (cos a lot of it is secret) - but from myself? Do I want to rest on my laurels and tell myself I tried? My most recent conclusion is that I am trying to bribe earn my way into heaven. For some reason I know I'm not nice enough, not good enough, for God and the gatekeepers. So I try. Oh so hard. Sometimes I act instinctively and my bad side comes out... but when I have a moment to think - when I have a moment to choose - I'm trying oh so hard to make the good choices - to make people happy.

It's the Harry Potter theory - Harry chose to be in Gryffindor and that choice made him who he was. The concept blew my mind when I first understood it, and it's directed my efforts ever since. Maybe I'm not a good person instinctively - but I'm trying to choose to be, every time I can.  And maybe that will be enough for God and he will stop punishing me.