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Friday, June 30, 2023


Since 2015 I've been haunted by the chains of being the caretaker. Every ride on my bike, my heart would soar and I'd try to absorb the freedom, try to manifest it even bigger and brighter in my life... Despite the anchor in it.

And even then I wondered. Am I calling death? Can I be free without calling death? Is this an either - or choice, and if it is, am I making it? 
I never did make it. I've always believed you don't have to force yourself to make the dreadful choices. If you don't choose, life will choose for you. 

And if that's the case, surely we did not choose her death. Every step of the way, every decision we made, I have gone over a thousand times. And even with hindsight I still think with the information we had, we made the best possible choices. Going back in exactly the same situation I'd make exactly the same choices. 

So why am I wondering if I am guilty?

Because. Freedom. 

Because I wanted so much to be free. I longed for it with every fibre of my being. And while I did not choose the way. Maybe I called it?
And it is so unfair to her. Because she wanted so much to live. And she loved life more than me probably. But her wants and my wants were incompatible.
So I remind myself... It didn't have to be this way. She could have agreed to a nurse. Even for a day. A little breathing room would have gone a long way. And when I remember I am filled with indignation again. So sorry for the prisoner I was. Sorry for the fear and anxiety I lived with. I didn't deserve that. I deserved to be free. 
I just wish she could have set me free without dying. We could have coexisted and she could have had her small pleasures and I could have had some freedom. 
But it was not to be. 
I hope there's young Sheldon and Grays anatomy etc in heaven. I hope she gets the freshest fruits there. I hope there are cats cuddling her all the time. I hope she can see the stupid things the love of her life does and they still make her giggle. And I hope she understands and does not judge me for the rage and the freedom I needed. I think she must understand. Once we die I think we understand. But it would be good to know. I don't need her forgiveness. Because if she's holding a grudge she's being mean and not at all angelic. But it would be good to know she understands and maybe she's even sorry for the hurt she caused.
And me. I need to learn to enjoy my freedom.